KONPAI EXTRAVAGANZA

Two weeks before the start of the Japanese school year in April, each teacher receives a phone call from the local school board informing them of whether they'll be allowed to remain at their current school, or transferred somewhere else.  Apparently this rotation occurs so that teachers and parents don't become too chummy.  The fear is that parents may flatter teachers with gifts, favors, etc., in exchange for information about tests.  The change is abrupt, and can be a little like Russian roulette if a faculty member you really like is replaced by someone awful.  In honor of the incoming and outgoing teachers, each school holds an enkai (office party) to welcome and say farewell, respectively.

The enkai for my school was a swanky affair held at a local hotel, with an open bar (beer, wine and sake) and a multiple course meal.  The office lady seated next to me told me proudly that the cost was ichi-man ($100) per person!  On my other side was Chinese Dragon-sensei, who was loudly trying to quiz me on the names of all the faculty members (many of which I don't actually know, to be honest).  To divert him from his game, I asked him why his face was so pink under the eyes.  "Are you sunburned?" I inquired.  "Oh, Eri-san," interjected the office lady, "He's been drinking sake since the end of school with Nice-sensei, Panda-sensei, and Department Head-sensei."  I looked at Department Head-sensei for confirmation, who was already glowing red.  He leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest, and smirked and nodded.  I added "pregame" to a list of words I should teach him sometime as the head of the English department.  Multiple rounds of speeches began, and Chinese Dragon-sensei became impatient after an hour, brandishing his watch in front of my face, saying, "Hungry! So hungry!" Finally, the first set of speeches came to an end, and we were promptly served the first course, along with about 5 large bottles of beer per table, each the size of a champagne magnum.  At this point, the party turned into a free-for-all.

In Japan, etiquette dictates that you should serve others first, and then wait for someone else to serve you. To accept a drink as it is being poured, you should hold out the glass using both your hands.  During the Edo Period (1603-1868) there was a civil war, and at the conclusion, the fighters started having banquets to promote reconciliation.  The custom developed that they would serve drinks to one another as a sign of good will, on the condition that the recipient hold out both of his hands with his cup, so as to prove he was not concealing a weapon.  It is considered a compliment (and an ice breaker) to have someone offer to fill your glass.  If your glass is full, but you don't want to spurn the attention, you can take a hasty glug, and then hold out your glass again.  The pour-swapping is not limited to the people at your table; in fact, I was shocked when people leaped up as though a whistle had gone off, and started moving to other tables to top up their friends, coworkers, and supervisors.  The $100 per person meal was clearly a secondary consideration, and most people seemed to pick at the various courses; however, this could have also been because the food was pretty strange, even by Japanese standards, and not all that flavorful.  

As the drinks flowed, so did the conversation.  Teachers who had never spoken to me before were emboldened to approach and start speaking in limited English.  One topic that is particularly popular among the male teachers is the the "dangerous man" list.  These are all male teachers of whom I'm supposed to be wary because they are dangerous, or at times "super dangerous."  The list is usually the same every time, consisting of 3-4 names.  When I first started playing along, I would feign surprise and ask why these teachers are such a threat.  "Yosh-sensei is aikido master, Nice-sensei is judo master, and Chinese Dragon-sensei is bad man," came the response.  However, now the answer is more direct: "SEX-SHU-AL men!" crows Panda-sensei.**  The list has been recited to me so many times that now a teacher can turn to me and say, "Eri-san, who are most dangerous men?" and I can tick them off in order of magnitude of danger.  This never fails to delight the teacher to whom I'm speaking, even though it is clear to me that he is probably more deserving of a place on the list than the others (except for Chinese Dragon-sensei, he really is a "bad man"- in the nicest way possible).  

**Panda-sensei is one to talk, since the last time I hung out with him and some other teachers after school, he pulled out his phone to show me pictures of his dog...several of which featured the dog nestled on top of P-sensei's naked butt crack, and another that featured him shirtless and mugging for the camera.  Later in the conversation, we were talking about his girlfriend, and I asked what she was like.  "A little fat," he said after some consideration, "But she has C-cup," he went on, proudly holding his hands out in front of his chest.  His English vocabulary may not extend to things like "lawyer" or "elephant," but he's clearly got some priorities.

EMAIL FROM MY SUPERVISOR

Dear Elizabeth-sensei,


I am sorry I am so absent-minded.  I forgot to give you these forms. Please fill out and return them to me immediately.


m(      )m


-M

Top marks for the use of the word "absent-minded" and an emoticon to denote embarrassment.