UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH THE IRON PHALLUS

Sometimes you set out on an adventure and at some juncture are tempted to turn back.  For me, that moment was as I was about to disembark a train packed with foreigners in Kawasaki, Japan and heard an American holding a sweating can of Asahi beer bellow down the car, "DICK FEST 2013!!"  

*    *    *

LAL and I had taken the long night bus to Tokyo with the wretchedly uncomfortable seats, intent on experiencing the magic of Tokyo Disneysea, bingeing on Chicago deep dish pizza and burritos, and attending a local festival, the Kanamara Matsuri.  

The matsuri derives inspiration from a myth, and the myth begins with a woman.  Before Lorena Bobbitt, there was a woman of Kawasaki who was cursed to have a demon residing in her nether regions.  This was somehow a non-issue until she got married and her husband attempted to consummate their union, whereupon the demon emasculated him.  Undeterred, the woman went on to marry another man, with the same results.  The future of her connubial bliss looked bleak, and in some other cultures she might have been consigned to being an old maid, or dispatched from this mortal plane altogether.  Instead, the local blacksmith took pity on the poor maid and forged an iron phallus to be inserted in her vajajay, at which point the demon chomped down and was pulled out by its teeth.  The woman went on to lead a happy life.  Female empowerment!

The piece de resistance, a modest five feet high. 

The festival that pays tribute to this tale is both a celebration of fertility and an opportunity for local prostitutes to pray for protection against sexually transmitted diseases and infections.  By some accounts, the proceeds from the matsuri go towards AIDS research.  Yet the real theme of the day isn't fertility or sexual health and education or philanthropy.  Rather, it seems to be: let's look at penises and buy penis memorabilia* and have awkward photos taken of ourselves with said phalluses.  Or better yet, let's take voyeuristic photos of other people, preferably scantily clad women.   

This young woman and her friends took turns posing on this terracotta penis with their penis lollipops as incredibly dodgy foreign men leered and took photos.  

This man had created his own penis helm so that people could take photos with him.   The foreigner on the right is attempting to lick the helmet.

There were some things that I couldn't explain: the cross-dressing men, the lone male foreigner in a deer costume with his girlfriend, or the parents who brought their toddlers. This last concern arose not so much out of Puritan values, but because of the sheer size of the crowds.  The temple grounds were relatively tiny, like a small childrens' playground, and people crammed into the area until it was impossible to navigate the throngs of people.  You simply had to give yourself over to the flow of the crowd and allow yourself to be swept along, but not without a lot of jostling and elbowed ribs and shoving.  Eventually it became too overwhelming, and LAL and I activated the escape hatch and headed back towards the train.  We were a little sorry to miss the procession of the iron phallus, but we managed to catch a glimpse of it as we were pushed through the exit. 

Though I'm glad we went, I would not feel the need to ever go again.  Whatever the underlying meaning of the event in the past, today it has been hijacked by a lot of loud, bro-ish foreigners.  Any indirect connection the festival may have had to female empowerment is long since gone.  It's entertaining, but the crowds make it impossible to enjoy even something as simple as people watching.  And yet I gained yet another story to regale my nephew with one day: the time his aunt went to the penis festival.  Hopefully it earns me cool points.

The "biggest" seller at the festival: the penis lollipop.

*T-shirts, erotic hand towels, pencil toppers, candles, candies, etc. 

LIFE IS SWEET

Here's the lowdown on sugary confections in Japan: they are (predominantly) bland and expensive.  Unlike in the west where snacks, desserts and even drinks taste as though someone is trying to inject liquid cane sugar directly into your bloodstream, the Japanese use sweeteners sparingly for a more delicate flavor.  This is both a positive and a negative; while I appreciate not having my teeth ache with every bite, I'm disappointed that if I ordered two small slices of cake, one vanilla and one chocolate, they would taste exactly the same.  Moreover, each small piece would set me back about $5.  Granted, the cost is based partly on the fact that there is an artistry and sophistication of presentation that one doesn't typically see outside of a French patisserie.  However, I don't need to be awed by the beauty of something that I'm probably going to demolish in a matter of minutes (assuming that it is tasty).  

Every once in a while, though, you come across something outside the box of Japan's ubiquitous flavorings.  (For the record, they are: green tea, sweet red bean, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry and chestnut.  Sometimes sweet potato or even pumpkin.) Tokyo's 100% Chocolate Cafe seems to have found the sweet spot in pairing Japanese sensibilities with adventurous flavors.  Owned and operated by the Meiji Corporation (which makes a number of products, including several varieties of chocolate and candy), they boast 56 different flavors of chocolate, using cacao from all over the world.  Some of the flavors have a Japanese spin, like kinako (toasted soybean flour, a nutty taste) or yes, green tea.  They also offer zanier options like chili, lemon salt, jasmine, etc.  

56 flavors of goodness

The cafe also provides a menu of cakes, parfaits, and chocolate drinks.  I had an incredibly airy chiffon cake (what some would call "angel food cake") covered in a chocolate and almond concoction that I can't quite name.  "Concoction" makes it sound off-putting, but actually it was delicious.  Very smooth, light, and not too rich, but with as intense a flavor as Nutella, with a thinner consistency.  

I'll be back in Tokyo in May, and I'll be waiting outside when the cafe opens, ready for my next fix.


Tokyo locations for 100% Chocolate Cafe:

Sumida-ku, Tokyo 1-1-2 push 
Tokyo Sky Tree Town Solamachi 4F 

and

Kyobashi, Chuo-ku, Tokyo 2-4-16
Meiji Kyobashi Building 1F 

MAIKO MAKEOVER

I've never been much of one for playing dress up, and my Halloween costumes have been traditionally lackluster. The only exceptions were ones where my mother made my costume and did my makeup or face paint.  My deficiency in creativity boils down to this: laziness.  The more involved the outfit, the less I want to wear it.  Yet I jumped at the chance to be dressed in a traditional Japanese kimono, which is a far more complicated process than shrugging on a bathrobe.  

First you have to find a kimono.  Many kimono are family heirlooms passed from generation to generation, valued at thousands of dollars.  However, you can also find cheaper kimono at second hand shops for as little as a few hundred dollars, though these are often of lesser quality and don’t include accoutrements like obi, the wide silk sash that is tied around the kimono, or geta, wooden sandals.  The cheapest kind of kimono is the yukata, a casual lightweight cotton robe worn in the summertime.  These run for as little as $30 (not including accessories), but they lack the gravitas and luxuriousness of the more formal silk kimono. 

Summer yukata.  From satoshi7.livejournal.com

For those of us not blessed with inherited kimono and who don’t have hundreds or thousands of dollars to buy one, there are other ways to get a kimono fix.  A panoply businesses in Japan cater to women who wish to dress up like a geisha.  Some Japanese tourist organizations offer opportunities to try on kimono, as do places like Toei Uzumasa Eigamura, a film set and theme park in Kyoto.  However, you can also have professional portraits taken at a studio, as I did.  This experience is popular among the Japanese as well as tourists; many young Japanese women have formal matchmaking portraits done, or to celebrate weddings, coming of age, or graduation.  Modern women come in and in just a few short hours are transformed into timeless geisha or maiko, apprentice geisha.*  

A small army of women is required to outfit someone in a kimono, but their efficiency is admirable.  In about an hour I was morphed from nondescript gaijin to resplendent maiko.  Still, it was quite an involved process.  I was asked to undress and then shrouded in a light cotton shift so that I could be sent to makeup, where a woman slathered cold white paint on my face neck, and shoulders, leaving only the nape of my neck exposed.  Even my eyebrows were drowned in white and drawn in again later on, followed by rouge, eyeliner, and vivid red paint on my lips.  At some point I was asked to make a tough decision: which kimono did I want to wear for the pictures?  The fifty or so options were a wide array of colors and patterns; once I had made my choice, the ladies started layering me like an onion. More light cotton robes, a corset-like contraption, a red and white collar, and finally, the kimono itself, which was far heavier than I had anticipated.  Tabi (white socks designed to give you a kind of ninja turtle cleft in your toes) were put on my feet, and a lacquered-looking wig placed on my head.  I was cinched in by the obi, which was so thick it could have acted as a plate of armor.  A device that looked like the headrest yanked from a car seat was shoved down the back of the obi, and the tail was arranged over it, almost like a bustle.  Now properly equipped for my close up, I tottered on the platformed geta, shuffling forward a little at a time, as my legs were constricted by the folds of the kimono.  The photographer posed me with different props, and fifteen minutes later, we were finished.  Back in the dressing room, the ladies whisked off all the layers, and I went to the sink to scrub off all the paint, resuming my normal appearance, from butterfly back to caterpillar.  

I admit that I was thrilled when a friend of mine showed these pictures to her Japanese coworker,  who inspected them and said that I could pass for Japanese.

You can see the exposed part of my neck in this shot; apparently Japanese men found this spot highly alluring. 

*The differences between geisha and maiko are subtle, and despite the renown of geisha outside of Japan, maiko are almost unknown.  Maiko are geisha in training, and study for years before they ascend to the level of geisha.  Maiko typically wear brighter colors and more ornaments in their hair.  The collars of their kimono are usually red with white or silver patterns, and their makeup is more vivid and noticeable.  Geisha are women trained in traditional Japanese arts like music, dance, and tea ceremony.  They are also skilled hostesses, adept at making conversation and entertaining guests (though not sexually- geisha are not prostitutes).  Geisha wear subdued colors and relatively little makeup.  Their kimono have shorter sleeves, and they tie their obi differently, making the obi shorter than the way the maiko wear them.    This website has a fairly excellent summation of the differences between geisha and maiko.

AYA maiko experience, Kyoto
605-0825 499,Shimogawara ,Gion, Higashiyama-Ku , Kyoto-Shi JAPAN
TEL:+81-75-532-6666 / FAX: +81-75-532-6667
E-mail:info@kyoto-maiko.com

ROBOT LOVE

This totally dates me, but back in middle school, tamagotchis were all the rage.  Children were glued to these little devices the size of your palm, each programmed with a different pet avatar.  The purpose of the game was to feed, water, exercise and clean up after your tamagotchi.  If you neglected it, it would sicken and eventually die.  I don't remember what happened if you were successful in raising your tamagotchi, as mine withered fairly quickly (my real dog was far more lovable), but I trust you at least earned some sense of pride in having cultivated this imaginary thing for so long.  I think bragging rights were involved, something like, "My tamagotchi is three months old!" And then someone else would rain on your parade by saying, "Yeah, well mine is a year old."  Clearly the youth of the 90s were investing their time well.  

It may not be a surprise that the tamagotchi was invented by a Japanese entrepreneur.  Some people saw the tamagotchi as a portent of a future in which technology could be used to forge relationships not just between humans, but also between humans and machines.  So if you were a child who couldn't have a pet for some reason, the tamagotchi could act as a surrogate.  Taken further, machines could act as substitutes for all kinds of interactions, from having a pet to asking someone for directions to providing care for the elderly.  Of course,  the most lucrative monetization of the intersection between human relationships and technology is through love and sex.  Online businesses geared towards these areas are thriving, whether Internet dating sites or seedier outfits offering services like nudity and online sex.  However, most of these businesses require an actual person on the other end to generate responses. Japan has found ways to circumvent this requirement, with surprising success.

In 2009 Nintendo created a dating simulation game called "Love Plus," which they released only in Japan.  Here's the back story, as told by the Love Plus website (Google translated from Japanese):

In the "City of Towa" new town has been moved, you will experience the fateful encounter with the girl. As a "friend." So, I'll just stack the memories of two people. Fateful day called "confession", and visited · · ·. However, the story of a girl with you, This is not the end of it. Story of two people as "The Lovers", from here is going to continue. 

So, gamers pretending to be new students at a local high school choose from three female profiles (all high school aged and wearing school uniforms), and court the girl of their choice, taking her out on dates, messaging and talking back and forth, etc.  The profiles are programmed to initiate contact as well as respond (eg, the gamer might receive a message asking his opinion on his girlfriend's new haircut).  When the relationship starts getting serious, the user can kiss his girlfriend, introduce her to his friends or parents, or repeat "I love you" a hundred times into the console.  At least one Japanese resort town teamed up with Love Plus to provide summer vacation packages for gamers and their digital companions, including souvenirs, photo opportunities, and a romantic overnight at a famous hotel.  The promotion was offered "until the end of summer, when the girls would go back to school."  I guess contributing to the delinquency of a minor would really overstep the bounds of propriety.     

The options.  From otakudepot.com   

There are a number of advantages to dating a virtual person, the greatest being that you are guaranteed acceptance by the object of your affections.  You are also in complete control; she (they don't seem to make male avatars yet) will never break up with you, never refuse you, and never cheat on you.  And yet, she will never mature past the intellectual and emotional mentality of a sixteen year-old girl either, so even if you stay together past software upgrades, technological mishaps, etc., as a fifty-year-old man you could still find yourself receiving messages from your girlfriend telling you that she can't talk because she needs time to study for her geometry test the next day (though I somehow doubt that these simulations are programmed to delay gratification).  

Love Plus vs. Real Relationships.  From kotaku.com

A final benefit to simulated dating: if you happen to meet a flesh and blood woman and develop a romance with her, you can end your LovePlus relationship with a simple flick of a switch.  Right?  Maybe not.  I read of one account of a groom who invited his electronic girlfriend to his wedding, even setting a place for her at the reception so that she could meet his friends and family.  Later in the evening the bride (who understandably objected to being upstaged at her own wedding by a Nintendo DS game) took a mallet to the groom's sim card, destroying his data.  Onlookers said that he decided at the last minute he decided to help, but did so with tears in his eyes. 

The time-honored wedding tradition of the smashing the sim card. From japandailypress.com

Some users, however, become so infatuated with their avatars that they make a lifelong commitment to them, as one man did when he married his girlfriend Nene in a non-legally binding ceremony in Guam in 2009.  I can only imagine that this guy was obsessively playing his Nintendo DS one day and his friends kept telling him to put it down until finally one of them said, exasperated, "Dude, if you like it so much why don't you marry it?" At which point the guy said, "Challenge accepted!"  No word as to whether he and Nene are still together.

The big question is, how can men sustain an emotional connection with these literally two-dimensional girls?  Unlike other inanimate objects that fetishists favor like love dolls or body pillows, the Nintendo DS girls will never take corporeal form.  They'll never be more tangible than pixels on a screen. The power of imagination is strong, but surely it has limits?  An article interviewing three LovePlus users* offers one explanation:

Both men, along with another friend, 39-year-old Nobuhito Sugiye, can articulate a philosophical basis for their affection and their fear of loss. That is, for them these computer girls possess the same tamashii — spirits — that devotees of Japanese animism, or Shinto, believe can inhabit all things, from rocks and streams to humans.

This might make sense if you were Japanese.  Or Shinto.  But LovePlus has ensnared an array of men, probably not all of whom believe that their electronic girlfriend is imbued with the same spirit as the wind or a tree. Somehow these men can look past the lack of human contact and imagine exactly what they want: a girl who is completely devoted to them, and only to them.  

Japan gets a lot of flack internationally for its unconventional views on romance, relationships, and sex.  LovePlus is a prime example of this disconnect.  The predominantly conservative and prim Japanese society seems content to look the other way as the market for companionship remains one of the few robust sectors of the national economy.  However, what if you found out that your friend or coworker was dating a virtual woman and wanted to introduce you? What if it were your son or your brother setting a place at the table for this entity at a family dinner party? Does this cross a line, or is it an acceptable alternative to loneliness?   Whatever your thoughts, this is only the beginning.  Just as the tamagotchi pioneered new uses for technology, LovePlus is the prototype of something even more complex and intricate in the years to come. The only question is, what will that be, and, if you're like me, how creepy will you find it? 

*The article also reveals that at least two of the three have chosen the same profile to date, so in some sense it's as though they are dating the same girl.